My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
