does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
