if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
