how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
