My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I faked an abortion last night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
