Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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