I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
