My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
