just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize