I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
someone owes me an orgasm
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize