Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
