well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
