Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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