thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize