There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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