dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
