smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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