Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I party with great urgency now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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