You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize