I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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