using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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