Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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