walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Is it penis luge time yet?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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