I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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