I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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