Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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