After last night, I could never be a politician.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize