The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
