I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
