Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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