oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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