ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
