This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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