Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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