I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
