Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
porn star boner night. come get it.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
