we're blogging at a bar
I didn't shave. On purpose
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
