I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Can i not drive my cunt home
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
do herpes really smell.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
