I wish my penis had an off switch
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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