gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
