my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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