DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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