2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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