Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
