Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
