this just has baby written all over it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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