you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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