I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
