you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
