I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm like, not good at living.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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