well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize