Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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