I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
