i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Success! We fucked roommates!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
