Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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