I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
