i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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