Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
