Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
