she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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