I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
