The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
