he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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