Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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